A glimpse into the October Country

Yeah, well. It happens to us all. I have to be honest, the last few weeks have been a roller coaster (and, we're not talking The Beast, or Mystic Timbers.) As almost any recovering addict can tell you, we all have a touch of clinical "something" running around inside our heads, whether we're making a stand against alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, or what-have-you. And, under stress, the monsters grow teeth and claws and LOUD friggin' voices. LOUD. And they hone their skills as ventriloquists. Yeah, apart from the voices inside our heads, voices from outside, voices from our past, come sneaking (like the Kool Aid Man bursting through a wall, or with all of the tact and poise of a rutting bull in a china shop) to make our days absolutely stellar and sparkly.

I'm not going to bore you with details. But I WILL say that I've seriously considered asking for a prescription of Zoloft or Paxil. And, at the very apogee of my agonies, Pastor Larry again visited the Book of Mark. Chapter 6, specifically, verses 40-52. Jesus was up on a hill, praying, and SAW his disciples straining against the wind. Now, here's a small bit of the history surrounding that particular event: Jesus had just finished feeding five thousand people with a couple of fish and some bread. Then, "constraining his disciples to get into the boat and sail ahead" to the other side of the sea," they hove to, and started the crossing. Galilee is about five miles wide, and eight miles long. "In the fourth watch," or at about 0300 hours, when they were "about halfway across," He noticed them. "Halfway across" (either way, 2.5 miles or 4 miles: YOU pick) and in the dark of night.

Let that soak in. Storm blowing mightily, rain, wind, darkness (and we have to assume that, for all His deity, Jesus was part human) exhaustion, and He SAW his guys struggling.

"He came toward them, walking on the water...saying 'Take courage, it is I, be not afraid.'"

"Be not afraid." As Pastor Larry asks, and as I may have asked, before, who's in YOUR boat? Who calms YOUR storm? After you've punched the wall, flipped a table, kicked the stuffed animal across the room, to whom do YOU turn for comfort, solace, peace? The scratch-off? The fork? The bottle?

Do you pray? Pastor John once said how praying, sometimes, is hard. When it's all in a flat spin, it's hard to muster up the words. "My Lord and my God" is a prayer. It acknowledges Jesus' position in our lives, and His deity, his supremacy. Hang your head, cross your arms over your sobbing chest, and say it: my Lord and my God. Breathe deep, let it sink in and take root. KNOW that He is God, and He's in your boat, in your corner, hanging onto your shoulder as you suffer, telling you, "Be not afraid."

By way of this prelude, I make an admission: After a certain "voice from the past" rattled my cage, I was reaching. That icebox looked like Vegas and I had a pocket full of cash. The wine rack was a temptation, and I know where the corkscrew hides.

I also have my sponsor's phone number. I have the Big Book, the 12 & 12, the Bible, a meeting app, and my beautiful, wonderful, understanding wife. Upon whose breast I've cried, often. A couple of times this week, in fact. But I don't need to pick up. Thank you, Butch, for those helpful words: "No matter what comes down around you, DON'T PICK UP."

I didn't pick up. Anything. Nothing bad, anyway. Not even food. I did what I do most often when it's touch-and-go. I internalized, slept poorly, and, after a while, remembered who's in my "boat." My Lord, and my God.

That said, not having stuffed my rage and anxiety, I ditched 2.2 pounds, after all. Not so bad. Look:

Years, it's been. Years, that I've been in group counseling with a bunch of fine gentlemen. And finally, I'm catching on. Breathe deep, relax, and bask in the serenity, courage and wisdom I've prayed for (and received) all these years. 

Therein, the lesson is: settle in. It's going to happen: good stuff, not-so-good stuff, stuff that makes us happy, unhappy, confident, confused. Be not afraid; accept that a power greater than yourself is in charge. He's got this. He's got YOU, no matter how big or small your problems are. He will bring you through it, and guide you to the wash racks to hose off the mud and slime when you're done. (Reference to the old days, when the wash racks were the last stop before the motor pool. When you'd hit the wash racks, you KNEW you were finally home.)

Another week or two, another pound or two. It's all good. And, it's progress. And, a reminder that our addictions and temptations needn't be the pitfalls they used to be. Tell the voices in your head to shut up; tell the ones on the phone that you're hanging up, now, and to handle their own crap. Sadly bid adieu to the ones that have been requisitioning your time but doing nothing with the answers they've sought. Eat your calories (sandbagging does nothing for weight loss) and no more than your calories (because overeating/stuffing doesn't help, either!) and stay busy. Slow and steady. Be not afraid.

Be not afraid; He is with you. 

Write that on your mirror. Make a post-it and stick it to your screen. Write it on your hand. It's good to remember. And, btw, you can always contact me and I'll remind you. It does us all well, to stick together. 

So, until next time: Be well; practice peace; see you at the next one.